The fourth first step

Eight years ago this month, I began the last journey I thought I'd ever find myself making. It began when I decided to end my marriage. What had been a comparatively quiet and drama-free life both before I got married and during the marriage itself was now the battleground of a moral and spiritual crisis. My wife and I weren't really happy in the marriage, but our religious inclinations initially prevented us from seeking the only solution that common sense seemed to be telling us: divorce.

After months of struggling with a lot of hard, big feelings that I didn't understand, I decided to rip off the bandage and embrace that bitter, forbidden destiny. 

As I predicted when I made that choice, all hell broke loose. My parents sided with my wife, most of our friends sided with her, and I was left alone in an apartment I couldn't afford by myself. Of course, we were also expecting our first child at the time of this separation, so that only added to public disdain for yours truly. 

Nevertheless, it had to be done. Those orders came directly from my gut and they were incontrovertible. Since the condition of our marriage was deteriorating rapidly, I felt that it was best for our daughter to have two happier parents in separate homes than a single unhappy home with both parents.

I barely survived this period for emotional and financial reasons. It ended when I moved from Louisville to Columbus, Indiana with my new girlfriend of three months. Two months after that, we found out that we were pregnant too. My first daughter was only eights months old at the time. The 'turnaround' between welcoming one kid into the world and then learning about another in just a matter of a few already-eventful months was surreal. It was a sharp, extreme contrast to the boring, old predictable days of my now-defunct marriage.

However, things eventually settled down again once Daughter No. 2 made her appearance. I settled down with her mother, we had Daughter No. 1 every other weekend, and life was good again until...

Four years later (yes, five years to the month of my marriage's demise), I find myself dining on ashes as a bachelor once again. 

To be 36 years old and in this position is humbling. A lot of my classmates from over the years probably have middle schoolers, mortgages and student loans nearly paid off, they're nearly execs at their jobs, and they live in huge homes in the 'burbs. Me? I'm just now able to afford my own apartment working as a FedEx driver. 

What's keeping me from spiraling into abysmal darkness of the soul is the fact I know what I need to do: survive. This is a kind of survival I've always avoided because I've found the right people in life to help me coast: my parents, my first wife, my ex-fiancée. Essentially, I suffer from arrested development. 

This 'survival' can be defined as self-sufficiency, sure, but it's more than that. It's also about being content to be alone, rather than staying in a relationship for all my life. It means enjoying that solitude most nights. Embracing that cold peace. It means my girls come before my dates or most other selfish pursuits. It means getting a second job if I need it...or if I just want more money. It means picking up around the apartment on a regular basis and cleaning it so I can host friends and family and maintain a social life that will help me maintain my social and emotional health.

Looking at the big picture, I should be absolutely crushed and broken right now. Two failed long-term relationships is a lot when I started out in life thinking the first one would also be my last. However, with so much promise for the future, I don't know that I've ever felt more alive. I still consider myself to be a lucky sumbitch considering all that has happened. 

It's taught me to have more compassion for the pain people feel and conceal as well in this life. Compared to how little pain I knew this time five years ago, I am able to empathize with more souls in this painful world than I could back then. Sometimes, I wonder if that isn't the cosmic point behind all of this?